Never Ask Why

If I could ban one word rom the English language, what would that be?

Ok, so I'm sitting thinking and words that come into my mind are greed - poverty - rape - violence - elitism - pain - ignorance.

BUT - banning the words doesn't get rid of what they represent.

So, if I could STOP my self using one word - what would that be?

WHY

and why would I do that?


Well, "why" demands, "why" seeks justification, "why" threatens and, "why" leaves us feeling insecure.

We are so used to asking "why" we don't even think about what is happening. We see something (mostly something that we don't understand) and we say "why did you do that?"

Immediately the person being asked assumes that whatever "it" is, it must be wrong - there must be a fault, someone is to blame - and YOU are blaming THEM. So they start defending, justifying and off-loading blame quickly.

If you've ever spent time with a toddler going through the "why" stage, remember what it was like? Over and over and over again, everything you say is greeted with "why?" Remember when you couldn't take "why" anymore. Then you snap and you say...

BECAUSE...

and a little voice says "why?"

You learn to hate answering questions and children stop asking...and that horrible journey into our spirit being stiffled begins....

OK - so what can you do about it?

Well, when something happens, instead of asking "why", try asking "what" or "how".

When you do this, your moving your question from the emotional justification into the mechanical explanation. Like this:

Someone has just broken your favourite ornament. "How did that happen?" You're more likely to get an honest exlanation leading up to the breakage. You then understand what happened and realise that a) it was an accident; b) you left it in a vulnerable place or c) this person is clumsy, but it wasn't done out of malice.

At work, someone files your report in the most illogical place. "What was the reason for filing it there?" You listen. You understand. With this new information you a) know how this person's mind works; b) learn an easier way to do something and/or c) understand your own communication and how you could have explained yourself better.

Ask WHY to any of the above and you would have got "it wasn't me" or "I don't know" or "BECAUSE"

And in their mind, the other person would be thinking "you're always picking on me, it's always my fault, I never can please you, you think I do this just to make life difficult, I really hate being here, you're always criticising me....just go away..." And they are searching for the words they think you want to hear, rather than just the truth about "what" or "how"

So, you have one defensive, demoralised, unmotivated person - one relationship is more distant - lines of communication become more foggy and you still don't know the what or how, the who or the when - the thing you really wanted to know when you said "why".

And that's why I want to ban WHY!

When I grow up, I want to...

Hi - I'm new to blogging, but I reckon I get the hang of this. There's something quite empowering in the notion of unleashing your thoughts and opinions on the whole world! So, my plan is to come in and add to this every few days and see what comes out of my ideas and imaginings.

Most of all, I want people to realise that you are not alone in wondering what we are here for. Isn't there more to life than just the day to day routine. Yes, you may have a good life - but is it the life that you dreamed of when you were young?

So, if you're out there and reading this, please - let me know -what was it you wanted to be when you "grew up." Did you get there? How? Did you change your mind? If you had the chance, would you go back and do it all differently? Did you find something better?

For example, when I was about 15 I was pretty good at art. However, my teachers said some of my work was weird (The Turner Prize wasn't around then...). What I really wanted to do was design Album covers (in the days when everything was vinyl). My mother said that girls don't do that sort of thing...

So, I didn't. I did lots of other great things, but I stopped painting and drawing. And, when you stop doing things like that, you lose that edge of being just a bit better than average. Ok, so maybe I would have changed my mind by the time I reached 16, but I still have regrets. If not about being a graphic artist, about the lack of encouragement I got to chase my dreams.

Now I have an 18 year old son and guess what - he wants to be a graphic artist. He even said that he enjoys designing CD covers!!! Know what I said to him:

GO FOR IT!